


마른

by peonymint



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Hurt and comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 04:07:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19099420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peonymint/pseuds/peonymint
Summary: kun is falling into the trap.





	마른

renjun arranges a meeting with all the dream members, ten, and taeyong. ten asks what the meeting is for and why it’s just them.

“i-i uh” he starts before he takes a deep breath and tries again.

“i think there’s something wrong with kun-hyung.” he says and tears well up in his eyes. he feels so bad.

“why, sweetheart?” taeyong asks gently. renjun tries to wipe his eyes and fails. 

“h-he barely eats anything these days. then he goes and trains so hard every single day. and he doesn’t come home until late so nana makes dinner every night. and we try to give him left overs but he doesn’t eat any of it! he barely eats anything at all! a-and i don’t know why.” and renjun bursts into tears and covers his face. he was really worried for kun. 

and then kun walks into the living room, right where the meeting is being held. he sees renjun crying, and immediately walks over to wrap him in a hug and ask what’s wrong. taeyong gently separates the two, and grabs kun’s wrist and leads him into one of the bedrooms to talk to him privately.

“injunnie said you haven’t been eating enough, and that you’re overworking yourself. is that true?” kun freezes. why would renjun lie like that? the way he saw it, he was under working himself!

“what? no! i’ve been eating too much and underworking. i don’t understand why he’d say something like that.”

“he said you barely eat anything and then go train or workout for several hours. that nana has to cook for them everyday because you’re always gone training. and when they try to give you left overs that you only pick at them. what’s wrong, kun?” taeyong asks with a firm tone that says no arguing. 

“nothing! nothing is wrong. i seriously don’t understand. i’m on a diet, so why is he freaking out so much? is it so bad for me to lose some weight?”

“it’s bad when you barely eat at all.”

“he’s delusional. i’m gonna go to the practice building.” kun stomps out of the bedroom and to the front door. renjun runs up to him to try and hug him, but kun steps back so that the younger doesn’t touch him.

“why the hell would you lie to taeyong like that? what the fuck is wrong with you?” kun yells at the younger in chinese. renjun looks stunned. eyes wide and mouth dropped open in surprise. when he doesn’t get a response, kun opens the front door and slams it shut. he runs the whole way to the practice room. he quickly sets up his phone to play black on black as he practices his part. he does it over and over for hours.

he forces himself to run all the way to the workout room on the other side of the practice building. when he gets in he turns on the treadmill as quickly as possible, and sets it to almost the highest speed. he runs on it until he feels like he’s gonna throw up. he hops off and lays on the cold floor for a few minutes before getting up to turn it on only a slightly slower setting and hopping back on. he runs and runs and runs again until he sees black dots in his vision. he turns it off for good and lays on the hard, cold floor once again. 

he sits there until his vision isn’t fuzzy anymore and peels himself up to sitting position. he yanks himself to his feet and grabs his phone before deciding to jog home. he hadn’t realized how late it was. it was almost 9:30 and he’d left the dorm at around 1pm. when he pushes the door open, all the chinese members plus the dreamies, ten, and taeyong are all sitting in the living room. 

renjun is asleep in sicheng and yukhei’s laps. chenle’s head rests on yukhei’s shoulder and he’s also asleep. ten and taeyong sit in the floor, leaning against each other. the dreamies all sit in various places around the room, talking quietly. when they see kun, they all stare at him. he starts backing away, hoping to quickly retreat to his bedroom before they can say anything. but taeyong grabs him by the wrist and drags him to sit at the table in the dining room. 

“no no no no no no! i don’t wanna eat. please i don’t want to! don’t try to make me eat anything please! don’t try to make me eat like the dreamies do! please!” he cries. ten walks in too, and sits right next to kun.

“why don’t you wanna eat, hm? what are you scared of?” he says as he gently grips kun’s hand and runs his thumb across the bony knuckles.

“i-i don’t wanna be fat anymore! i don’t wanna be fucking ‘fat kun’! i wanna actually debut! but i’m too fat! that’s why they haven’t actually debuted me. because i’m too fat. i need to be skinny so fans will like me and members will like me and i can debut and-“ he breaks off into a sob. he wants to he skinny like all the other members. 17 out of 18 members are skinny and handsome, and kun is messing it all up. he wants the fans to like him. he wants the members to think he’s handsome too, he doesn’t wanna be fat kun anymore. he wants them to think he’s skinny. he wants to look pretty.

ten pulls him into a hug and kun accepts it. he leans in to rest his head on his shoulder and sobs. he doesn’t wanna be fat anymore. he doesn’t wanna be fat kun. he wants to be skinny like the rest of the members. he wants to be pretty. 

ten rubs his back and is scared to realize he can feel kun’s spine through his shirt. he pulls the chinese boy over to sit in his lap, and kun freaks out.

“no! no no no no no no! i-i’m too, i’m too f-f” and he breaks off into a sob. he thrashes in ten’s arms, desperate to be off his lap. ten sits him back in his own chair.

“i’m sorry! i’m sorry! i probably- i probably-“ and he cuts himself off again. taeyong cautiously brings over a small bowl full to the brim with ramen. kun looks from the bowl, to ten, to taeyong. his eyes are wide and scared. his face is pale and gaunt. his tiny arms pull his legs against his bony chest and he buried his face in his knees. he curls into as much of a ball as he can, trying to shield himself from them. 

renjun and chenle burst into the kitchen suddenly, yukhei and sicheng following quickly behind. kun jumps slightly but doesn’t uncurl from his position. renjun and chenle both swarm him with hugs, and kun feels like he can’t breathe. he feels like no air can possibly get to his lungs. not when it feels like chenle and renjun are suffocating him. he curls more into himself, desperate to get away from all of them. he just wants everyone to go away. kun feels like he’s gonna scream. he can’t breathe at all. he can’t. they’re gonna suffocate him. 

he screams and sobs and pushes at them, but he still feels like he’s suffocating. he feels like theirs a huge weight pushing on his chest, keeping the air out. he’s gonna die. 

“kun, hey, it’s okay. i-its okay. just breathe, baby. it’s alright.” taeyong says gently before slowly getting closer to the chinese boy. taeyong softly grasps his hands and gives them a light squeeze. kun’s skinny hands shake in taeyongs grasp. he still feels like he’s dying. like he can’t breathe. but he feels a little bit better. he wants them to go away. he only wants ten and taeyong. he wants everyone else to leave him alone. but he doesn’t say anything. he slowly lifts his head to look at taeyong. the older boy smiles softly at him, still holding his hands. 

“you’re okay, baby. you’re okay.” he says gently. “will you please just try to eat a little bit for hyung? hm?” no. he can’t eat. he can’t. he’s gonna get even fatter. no. he doesn’t wanna be fat. they’re all trying to make him fat. they hate him and don’t want him in the group anyways. so to kick him out they’ll make him fat. he wants to prove that he can be good enough and skinny enough for them. if he’s skinny they’ll like him. if he’s pretty they’ll like him. if he’s pretty and skinny they’ll wanna keep him. he needs to be skinny. he can’t eat. no more.

he quickly stands up, he wants to go back to the practice building. he needs to workout more. he needs to practice more. he needs to burn calories. he needs to be skinny. so he starts walking as quickly as he can to the door, swings it open and starts running. he needs to prove he can be skinny for them. but then he hears yelling and dots start covering his vision but he can’t stop. he won’t stop. and then the ground is meeting his face and everything is going black and he’s down.

he awakes in a warm, comfy bed. he never wants to move from that spot ever again. he hears a really annoying beeping sound that makes his head hurt. he opens his eyes to realize he’s in a hospital room. why was he in the hospital? 

“oh my god, kun, you’re awake!” he hears before he’s smothered in a hug. he doesn’t want anyone to touch them. he can’t breathe. he starts sucking in short, fast paced breaths and the beeping gets more annoying and louder. the person immediately pulls away, and the beeping gets quieter but still just as annoying. kun looks up to see ten was the one who’d hugged him, while johnny and taeil sat in chairs next to his bed. why was he in the hospital? why did they all look so upset? had he done something wrong?

tears fill up his eyes. he feels a huge knot of anxiety settling in his chest and it hurts. he’s so scared. he wants to go workout. or dance. anything but seeing them all look so upset with him.

“d-did i do something bad? d-did i mess something up? why am i in the hospital? i probably messed something up, didn’t i? i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to. i promise. i’m really really sorry for whatever happened. i’m sorry. please don’t be mad. i promise i can be better. please don’t be upset.” and he still feels so scared. he didn’t even know what he did wrong. 

“why do you guys look so upset? is it because of what i did? what happened? i was probably bad and did something. i probably misbehaved. i’m sorry. i’m sorry for whatever i did. i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to. i promise. p-please don’t be mad. i promise i didn’t mean to. i’m stressed o sorry. i’ll be better. i promise.” 

“hey, it’s okay, kun. it’s okay. you didn’t do anything bad, sweetie. you just scared us a little. but it’s okay. hyungs will help you, okay? hyungs are always here to help. you know you can always come to us with anything, right?” the beeping gets louder again. and his breathing gets shaky. he shouldn’t be bothering hyungs like this. he obviously did something bad. he’s so dumb. he can’t even remember what he did because he’s so stupid.

“i’m sorry! i don’t know what i did but i’m sorry! i’m sorry i made hyungs upset! i didn’t mean to! i’m sorry i was bad! i’m sorry!” and the tears start leaking and he needs them to know that he’s sorry. he didn’t mean to. he would never want to make hyungs upset. 

“it’s okay, kun. everything’s fine. you didn’t do anything wrong, okay? you’re okay. everything’s okay, baby. are you sure you don’t remember what happened, though?” 

“n-no! i’m sorry! i’m sorry i can’t remember! will hyungs please tell me so i can fix it and make it better? please!” they smile sadly at him. why were they sad? what did he do? they kept saying everything was okay when it’s obviously not. they’re lying to him. why are they lying? 

“sweetie, you passed out in the middle of the sidewalk because you haven’t been eating enough and working out too much. do you remember any of that?” and kun freezes. he’d passed out. he didn’t get to prove that he was skinny enough. he wasn’t able to get pretty enough. they were gonna kick him out now. why would they want someone who passes out from barely working out? he was worthless. and fat. he was fat and they would never want someone fat and useless. 

“n-no! no! hyungs please don’t kick me out! please! i promise i can do better! please! i promise i can be skinnier and prettier for hyungs! please! i’m so sorry! i’m sorry i’m so fat and worthless to members and czennies and everyone else! i’m sorry! i promise i can do better! please don’t kick me out! i promise i can be skinner for hyungs! i promise! please don’t make me leave! i can do better!”

he needs to be better. he needs to burn calories. he needs to be skinny and pretty for hyungs so they love him and wanna keep him. he needs to be the skinniest. he needs to be the prettiest and everyone will think he’s a good boy. he needs to be the prettiest. he needs to or they won’t like him. he needs to be pretty. a doctor comes in suddenly. 

the doctor comes in a smiles at kun. he was probably laughing at how fat and ugh kun was. he hides his face between his knees and pulls his legs close to his chest. they all hate him. they all think he’s ugly and fat. he’s too fat. he needs to be skinny. he tried to jump out of bed, only to find that his legs give out from under him when his feet hit the floor. and then johnny picks him up.

“no! n-n-no! put me down! too heavy for hyung to carry. too fat! too fat! i’m too fat for hyung!” he says as he’s sat back in the bed. he tried to stand up again immediately. he needs to work out. he needs to be better. he needs to burn calories. he falls again. he pulls himself up but as soon as he lets go of the bed he falls again. his legs hurt so bad. and he feels dizzy and his thoughts are swirly. he’s put back into the bed somehow. he hears someone say “oh my god” before he goes back under to the peaceful blackness of unconsciousness.

the next time he awakes he remembers everything. johnny and taeil sit next to his bed and taeil is holding his hand. no. his hand is too chubby. he yanks his hand from taeil’s grip. the older man looks up at him with a surprised expression. 

“hi, sweetheart. how are you feeling?” 

“need to workout. too fat.” he whines. his voice is hoarse and his throat hurts. taeil looks sad. taeil knows he’s too fat.

“wanna workout. lemme work out. i know hyungs don’t like me because i’m too chubby and i’m ugly and i’m not good enough and i’m annoying. i’m sorry. and i know you guys want me to get kicked out so everyone keeps trying to make me eat so i get fatter and SM kicks me out. but i promise i can do better. please let me workout. please don’t make me eat anymore. i don’t wanna eat. i need to be skinny so i can be good enough for hyungs. wanna be good enough. wanna be better than good enough. wanna be the prettiest. the skinniest so members think i’m pretty and like me. want hyungs to think i’m pretty. d-don’t wanna be fat kun. wanna be skinny kun. wanna be pretty kun. wanna be pretty.” and taeil is crying. why is he sad? maybe he thinks kun can’t do it.

“hyung! please don’t be sad! i promise i can do it! why don’t you believe me? i promise i can be the prettiest for hyung! you’ll see! i’ll be so pretty for hyungs and hyungs will love me! i’ll be so pretty hyungs won’t even recognize me!” and johnny starts crying too. they don’t believe him! 

“hyung! hyung no! please, i promise i can do it! please believe me! please! i promise! don’t cry! i can do it! i can be pretty! i can do it! please believe me! please!” he’s practically shrieking the words. why don’t they believe him? they don’t think he can do it. he’ll show them. he gets out of bed again, this time barely able to stand but he somehow manages to hold himself up. 

“what should i do first? what do hyungs want? anything hyungs want i’ll do! jumping jacks or sit ups or- or anything! anything hyungs want!” johnny grasps his shoulders and sits him back down. kun stands up. he can do it. he’ll show them how much he wants to be pretty for them. how dedicated he is to becoming skinny for them. he sits down on the shiny floor and starts doing sit ups. he’ll show them. taeil picks him up and sits him back in bed.

“stop! i can do it! why don’t you believe me? i can do it! i’ll show you how dedicated i am to looking pretty for hyungies. i can do it!” and he sits back down on the floor and starts again. his back hurts so bad each time he does one though. and his legs hurt. everything hurts all over. he sits with his legs pulled to his chest, burying his face in his knees.

“i can’t do anything right! i can’t even handle push ups without my entire body hurting! i’m so weak! i’m useless! worthless! no wonder no one likes me. because i can’t do anything right! because i’m fat and ugly and useless!” hyungs would never love him. that thought is what really sends him into a panic attack. his breathing quickens, and his head feels like someone is pounding it with a hammer. and his back hurts and his legs hurt. but the worst pain is in his chest, where the ball of anxiety is growing way too fast. he’ll never been good enough for them. he will never be able to meet their expectations. he’s a failure. 

his sobs are so loud that he’s practically screaming. he was never going to be good enough. hyungs would never love him. he would always be fat kun. he pulls his hair as hard as he can, and is surprised when some of it comes right out of his head. he’ll never be good enough. he sees his fat thighs and is so angry. he punches the ugly thighs until they feel almost numb. johnny and taeil grab his hands and pin them above his head. everything hurts.

6 months later 

kun is getting better. and hyungs are proud of him. they tell him everyday. they also tell him he’s pretty and that they love him everyday. and he believes them. most of the time.

he hadn’t been having a good day. he was feeling bad. he looked fat in the new shirt he’d bought. and it really hurt. so he put on one of johnny’s hoodies that was big on him because it made him look tiny. and on top of already feeling bad about how he looked, today was a weigh-in day. johnny was in charge of weighing him every week. he still hated it. he hated that a majority of the members pretty much always knew how much he weighed. 

johnny took him to the side a little before breakfast, leading him to the scale in the living room. no one was in there because they were all getting ready to eat. he didn’t want to get on the scale. he stares at it intensely for a few seconds before johnny realizes what’s going on. he gently grabs kun’s hand and leads him up onto the scale. 

“82 pounds. sweetheart, you’re down 2 pounds from last week. how?” he doesn’t wanna admit that he’d started purging in the last week. he felt bad. because he knew johnny was trying to help. but he couldn’t help but still think he looked fat. his thighs didn’t have a wide enough gap and his waist wasn’t tiny enough. he just wants to look tiny. 

“answer me.”

“i-i started purging!” he tries to take a deep breath. “i-i’m sorry. i just- i just wanna be tiny.” johnny wraps him in a hug and he starts sobbing. “i’m sorry!” he sobs. johnny just rubs his back and kisses his still brittle hair and holds him. and johnny is so warm and kun is so cold all the time and he just wants to hug forever. 

“hyung, i wanna be tiny. i wanna be little. i just wanna be skinny.” johnny doesn’t say anything. kun pulls away slight to look up at johnny.

“hyung do you think i’m pretty?” he says before he can think.

“do you want me to be honest?”

“yes.” his heart is pounding. hyung is gonna say he’s too fat. he’s too fat and he knows it.

“baby, i hate looking at you. and not for the reason you think. you aren’t anywhere near fat. you’re the skinniest member. you’re the tiniest. but it doesn’t look pretty like you think. it’s ugly. your hair is brittle and dry and falls out because you’re not giving it the nutrients it needs. your skin is so pale. your face is gaunt. your bones stick out and it hurts to hug you or cuddle you. i’m scared to hug you too tightly or sleep in the same bed as you because i’m scared i’ll break you. you bruise so easily and i’m always scared i’m gonna hurt you. this isn’t pretty. being so thin that you look like you’re on the brink of death isn’t pretty, kun-ah.” kun understands. 

but he also can’t help but latch onto the fact that johnny thinks he’s the tiniest member. he can’t help but smile. johnny thinks he’s the tiniest. 

“d-do you really think i’m the tiniest? the skinniest? out of everyone? really?” he asks, unable to mask the excitement in his voice. suddenly johnny’s eyes darken and his eyebrows furrow.

“did you not fucking hear anything i just said? yes i think you’re the skinniest, but it’s fucking ugly! being so skinny you look dead isn’t pretty, kun! why can’t you understand that?” johnny doesn’t make any sense to kun. skinny = pretty to him. johnny thinks he’s skinny but doesn’t think he’s pretty? the taller man gently leads him to the mirror a few feet away.

“look in the mirror and tell me what you see.” and kun looks. and he really thinks about what johnny had said.

his hair really did look dry. it looked disgustingly brittle and gross. it looked like a wig.

his cheekbones really stuck out. a lot. so much that he looked weird. and he looked so pasty white. and then johnny tries to pull up his shirt, and he panics. he doesn’t want anyone to see his stomach. but johnny holds him in place and yanks his shirt up.

“look, baby. really look. what do you see?” he sees ribs and a bony chest. and his hip bones peeking above his waistband, jutting out at an awkward angle. and it’s the first time he truly realizes that johnny is right. it’s ugly. and he sees the bruises littering his entire body because if someone tapped him too hard he would bruise. and he really understands.

“hyung, i’m sorry. i-i never realized how ugly it really was. oh my god.” he says johnny turns him around and hugs him, kisses his forehead. all of us will always love you, no matter your size. do you understand?” kun sniffles and nods, burying his head into johnny’s chest. 

a few months later, kun only has bad days every once in a while. almost everyday us a good one. and for that he’s thankful. he’s thankful to ten, taeil, and johnny who make sure he feels pretty everyday. to taeyong who always fusses about making him food. he might still have bad days or hard times, but it’s nothing he can’t handle with them by his side.


End file.
